Sprawling Ramshackle Compound

Memorial Day is there for a reason

2011-05-30T09:40:00.004-05:00

"Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

--John 15:13

"That damned hero stuff is a bunch crap, I guess...You gotta understand that there's all kinds of heroes, but they never get a chance to be in a hero's position."

--John William Finn was the nation's oldest living Medal of Honor winner. He died on May 27, 2010.

One of my regular beefs, which my wife and kids have long since tired of hearing, is this:

Holidays like Memorial Day and Veteran's Day exist for a reason. It's not just a day off school or work, or an occasion to picnic. For years I have felt that our schools don't do a good job of teaching the history of the holiday, or imparting the proper sense of respect. Memorial Day, in particular, gets watered down into a broad, hazy day of remembrance. People need to understand that Memorial Day exists for the sole purpose of honoring our war dead.

There are many of them. Since November 2001, more than 209 Illinois citizens have died in combat. They came from all over the state, from varying backgrounds, men and women alike. What they all have in common is that they died in our service, and they are deserving of our deepest gratitude and respect.

Memorial Day was originally called "Decoration Day", and was first observed on May 30, 1868. It was first officially proclaimed by Commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, General John A. Logan. Yes, that's the same Logan that Logan Square and Logan Boulevard are named after.

Every year since 2000, there is a National Moment of Remembrance at 3pm. It's a good time to observe a moment of silence, or say a short prayer, both for our fallen and for the families they left behind.

If you want to be deeply humbled, or inspired, visit the website for the Congressional Medal of Honor, and read some of the citations.

For everyone who serves, or who has served, and to the families of all those men and women, I say thank you.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week: naked dump truck edition

2011-05-28T14:14:00.004-05:00

"It's a tense situation when someone enters your home in a one-ton dump truck."

-South Berwick, Maine Police Chief Dana Lajoie, referring to an incident in which 24-year-old Eli T. Hutchins crashed his Ford pickup truck into a condominium. Naked.

According to this story, Mr. Hutchins " drove over lawns and driveways until he hit the structure" after leaving another unit in the complex.

This brief piece from UPI.com gives us a little more insight, reporting that Mr. Hutchins left a nearby party after getting into a fight before embarking on his naked drive. During the fight, reportedly started by Hutchins, he was struck in the head with a hammer.

Alcohol was involved.

Return of the Sunday Afternoon Cocktail

2011-05-22T22:07:00.003-05:00

Probably the most deliciously difficult thing about today's Sunday Afternoon Cocktail was sipping through the two or three variations my bride went through before settling on her final version. First it was a bit too much blueberry schnapps; then it was the unfortunate inky appearance that the muddled blueberries imparted. Lucky for me, she worked it out, and here we are:

The Blue Moon of Kentucky cocktail (serves 2):

In a cocktail shaker or large glass measuring cup:

-muddle ½ cup of blueberries with a ¼ cup of triple sec & a tablespoon of lemon juice. Let sit for 15 minutes (at least)

Add 1 ½ oz of blueberry schnapps (DeKuyper)

-Add 1/3 cup bourbon

-Strain, pour over ice in a tall glass, garnish with fresh blueberries and lemon peel

It's Wednesday!

2011-05-11T10:30:00.001-05:00

And you know what that means, don't you?

Weenie Wavers!

First up is this video of an unknown man freaking out on a NYC subway. Because of the profanity, racial slurs and spinning pink propeller it is most definitely not safe for work.

This video proves a couple of my theories:

1) Nudity--especially male nudity--is hilarious, creepy or terrifying far more often than it is sexy, and,

2) Cops would really rather not go hands-on with a naked person. There are quite a few videos of cops dealing with crazy naked people in which the cops don't use nearly as much force as they should. I think it's some combination of the "ick" factor, and a misplaced idea of fair play that tells an officer a naked person is somehow vulnerable, and it wouldn't be sporting to use force on them.

On to the ladies now.

I have not yet come up with a catchy phrase to describe lady flashers, but I am open to suggestions.

Meet Maribel Gomez:

Ms. Gomez was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after she allegedly exposed her breasts to a 10-year-old boy waiting for a school bus and asked him "are you ready". The victim was not "ready", and Ms. Gomez apparently chased him for a little while before being arrested. She was initially charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition; her attorney successfully argued that breasts are not sexual organs and the charge was amended to disorderly conduct. The judge revoked bond on an earlier cocaine possession case and Ms. Gomez remained in custody.

The Sun-Sentinel has a collection of other Florida cases (yes, there are more than 3) involving school-related indecent exposure.

Kara Mitchell, the woman with the winning smile pictured at left, was arrested after she decided to strip naked and dance around Mesa Cemetery. She then got dressed, sat and talked to herself for a while, and was later found by police sitting in a golf cart. The article assures us that no children were present.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T08:25:00.001-05:00

If there's one thing we believe in strongly here at the Compound, it's motherhood. It's right up there with our love of marriage, preparedness, gun ownership, lounge music & fried catfish.

So, for all you moms out there:

Happy Mother's Day!

Chicks dig it!

2011-05-06T22:37:00.003-05:00

Meet Dewayne Yarbrough of south suburban Ford Heights:

Mr. Yarbrough was arrested yesterday after police executed a search warrant at his home and found a live alligator inside.

Yarbrough told police that he purchased the gator in Indiana five years ago, and kept it because "chicks dig it."

Hey...anybody there?

2011-05-06T11:21:00.001-05:00

It's been a while hasn't it?

Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by spilling my guts, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.

For starters, we're all five years older.

My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.

So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.

I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.

Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:

I'll just quote the lead from this article in the Charleston Gazette:

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.

Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:

A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, recently attacked a marked police car, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:

I got this last one courtesy of Lisa Golden, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:

Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.

Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.

That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.

Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

PLAY BALL!

2010-04-05T01:32:00.002-05:00

I personally wish that Bettie had put some pants on, but I still admire her enthusiasm

And then...

2010-03-22T13:11:00.007-05:00

And then, at the end of the performance, the host comes out dressed as Napoleon and addresses everyone in German.

And now, since we're fooling around with mind-bending cross-cultural disco antics, enjoy some Boney M singing "Rasputin". Yes, that's right--a German-produced disco band consisting of 4 Jamaicans singing a song about Rasputin: "rah rah Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine..."

Why? Because it's Monday, so you might as well put on your shiny clothes and platform boots and dance. (Bonus points for fake beards or red, white and blue glitter.)

If Republicans had their way

2010-03-21T12:33:00.005-05:00

Judging from the rhetoric I've been hearing as the health care vote approaches, it would look something like this:

Cant afford health care? Get a job!

Health insurance too expensive? Blame trial lawyers and liberal politicians! (Note: let the market forces of unrestricted competition take care of it! is also an acceptable choice.)

Food contaminated? Toxins being dumped into your drinking water? Let the market handle it! (Note: Move! and/or Caveat emptor! are also acceptable responses.)

A gentle reminder--spring forward!

2010-03-13T22:11:00.003-06:00

Courtesy of Lileks Twitter feed

Florida provides more proof that nature hates us

2010-03-12T01:01:00.002-06:00

What kind of proof, you ask?

Rabid otter mauls Venice walker, 96

The otter is normally thought of as a reasonably adorable creature. Except in Florida, where they attack the elderly. Yes, a 96-year-old man was brutally savaged by a rabid 3-foot-long otter.

Fortunately for the victim, instead of being discovered by your average sun and crack-addled Floridian, a good Samaritan came to his aid. Here's the money quote from the 911 call:

"There's a man on the ground with an otter on him..He's lost a lot of blood. This otter is nonstop...Please hurry."

They finally beat the otter senseless with a shovel. The victim survived; the otter's condition is unknown.

Florida--if it's not the alligators, it's the g*ddam otters...

Sunday morning

2010-02-21T14:42:00.005-06:00

Tonight we're taking my mom to see Kris Kristofferson and Merle Haggard. I've listened to their music for years, since I was a little kid, but I've never seen either one of them live.

Today was the first Sunday of Lent, and it's put me in a pensive mood. I've been thinking about all the ways in which I've been blessed, usually through no effort of my own, but instead by the goodness and grace of people around me. I'm a very grateful man, but I have a lot of work to do. There are times, I think, when we all feel separated from the person we know we should be or the life we want to be living.

For whatever reason, this song always comes up at times like this.

It's head-shavin' time again

2010-02-16T22:38:00.003-06:00

Well, let's give this a try. It's time to raise money for the St. Baldrick's Foundation, and I've volunteered to get my head shaved again if folks will pay good money to see it happen.

What is St. Baldrick's Foundation and why should you give them some money?

St. Baldrick's Foundation funds more in childhood cancer research grants than any other organization except the United States government. 74.5% of the money they raise goes to research grants, 21.8% goes to fundraising, and only 3.7% goes to administrative costs. That's pretty good.

The dye is out and my hair has long since returned to it's natural gray, but there's still plenty of it to be chopped off.

After last year's unfortunate realization that I look less like Travis Bickle and more like Bert or one of those pinheads from Freaks when I have a mohawk, I won't let the barber stop this year until I'm bald as a cue ball.

Anyway, if you have even $5 to spare and you'd like to donate to a good cause, please visit my fundraising site here.

Thanks!

Mayor gets freaky at Waffle House & a huffer sues everybody

2010-01-11T09:30:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year everyone!

Meet Joel Napier and his female acquaintance Cynthie Casper:

Joel Napier is the mayor (at least for now) of Taylor, Alabama, population 1,898. The couple was arrested for public lewdness after they were caught getting busy in a car parked in front of a local Waffle House. The article mentions that it was also next door to a Days Inn. I guess fooling around in back behind the dumpsters and grease trap, while more discrete, just wasn't romantic enough.

When the officer rolled up and witnessed what the article said was "serious foreplay" Ms. Casper was naked, and Mayor Napier was in his Pooh Bear costume: shirt only, no pants. The report does not indicate whether alcohol was involved.

_____________________

Longtime readers of this blog (and fans of hilarious mugshots) may remember gold-faced Patrick Tribett:

Mr. Tribett recently celebrated 8 weeks of sobriety by retaining a lawyer to file lawsuits against several businesses that used his mugshot for commercial purposes:

Nation's most famous huffer sues everybody

_____________________

That's all for today. See you later, alligators.

December 7: a day that will live in infamy

2009-12-07T09:50:00.004-06:00

Today is the 68th anniversary of the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.

If only we had responded as well to the sneak attack of September 11th...

Happy Thanksgiving! What's on the menu?

2009-11-26T09:59:00.003-06:00

I love being the first one up on a holiday and having a little time to organize and enjoy the quiet.

After last weekend's 2-day long bacchanal (MizBubs' brothers and their families have gathered at our house for an early Thanksgiving each year for the past 6 or 7 years) during which we fed 27 for dinner on Saturday, and then had brunch for 15 on Sunday, today's Thanksgiving celebration will be a breeze.

So what are we serving up here at the compound on this glorious holiday?

Appetizers: mini-tarts with onion and mushroom, and celery stuffed with blue cheese
Corn bread
Chopped salad
Hot Brown sandwiches (the family elected to skip the whole turkey and do this instead, it's a Kentucky recipe and a family favorite)
Mashed potatoes and gravy, because kids demand it at every holiday. I'm roasting the garlic for the potatoes as I type
Roasted sweet potato rounds
Brussels sprouts with caramelized onions and pecans
Southern style green beans
Corn pudding
Dessert: apple pie, pumpkin pie and a monstrous chocolate cake. I mean monstrous in a good way.

I'm trying out a little something new in the bourbon department. They had Red Stag on sale at the Jewel's, and I thought I'd try using the black cherry-infused bourbon to make old-fashioned cocktails before dinner.

I hope that whatever trials you've been through will ease for you, and whatever burdens you carry might be lifted. Please accept our wishes to you all for a very warm and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, baby

2009-11-26T07:29:00.001-06:00

Hope you have a swinging Thanksgiving.

You're platinum. Each and every one of you, you get me?

STRAP ON THAT FEEDBAG, CLOWN

2009-11-17T00:05:00.002-06:00

How's your Halloween so far?

2009-10-31T16:14:00.002-05:00

That reminds me...

2009-10-12T12:02:00.003-05:00

It may not be hunting season yet, but it's never to soon to show off your pelt.

Do some good this weekend

2009-10-10T11:15:00.000-05:00

It's time for the Chicago Marathon!

I've run in three of them, and it's an amazing experience. Two of my friends are running this year to raise money for charity, and if you have a moment check out their donation sites and throw them a couple dollars. Honestly, donating online is incredibly easy, and how many chances do you get in this life to do a little good while you're still sitting around in your bathrobe eating cheetos?

Many of you already know Amy Guth through Bigmouth Indeed Strikes Again or her literary blog Chicago Subtext at Chicago Now. She does volunteer disaster response work for the Red Cross, and she's running to raise money for them.

Please check out her fundraising page here.

I ran my very first marathon with Patrick Sheehan, and I slowed him down horribly. I owe him. He's a detective in a nearby department. He's a good guy from a good family, and he and his sister are running with Team in Training, to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research.

Please check out his fundraising page here.

TRUE AMATEUR PORN!

2009-10-08T13:57:00.009-05:00

Check this out, true amateur porn!

Here are the girls, "true amateur models" Dallas and Ashlyn, at the start of their photo shoot:

So, how can you tell these girls are "true amateurs", and not just a couple of jaded small-time pro porn starlets? Check out this next photo and see if you can spot what marks this as a "true amateur" shoot:

Yes, you can tell it's "true amateur" porn when there's no wardrobe budget, and the talent shows up wearing menstrual blood-stained jeans:

Truly amateur, and classy!

Big in Japan

2009-09-26T18:43:00.004-05:00

Know what's big in Japan?

The raccoon dog:

And Colonel Sanders wearing a kimono, with watermelon:

That's what's big in Japan.

Now go on 'bout ya bidness.

TOPLESS GIRLIE SHOW!!!!!!!!! *

2009-09-16T17:26:00.003-05:00

* with chipmunks

Thank you, Frieda Bee. You are truly a woman of many talents.

Best blog post headline in weeks

2009-09-14T19:02:00.004-05:00

And here it is, courtesy of the always entertaining Mock, Paper, Scissors:

Teabagging furry on the way to D.C.

I'm a little jealous that the pairing of "teabagging" and "furry" did not occur on this blog first.

Hey

2009-09-04T10:35:00.002-05:00

Hot dog!

2009-09-01T01:15:00.003-05:00

Now we know the story behind the famous Wiener Tiara Bake, subject of one of MizBubs' only known posts on this blog, way back in October 2007.

Foggy night

2009-08-29T12:13:00.002-05:00

Last night I decided to run out to Woodfield Mall after work, and pick up a couple items I'd been procrastinating about getting.

When I came out, this was the view looking east toward the forest preserve:

I love fog. I wish I'd had my camera with me.

R.I.P. Ellie Greenwich

2009-08-27T01:57:00.002-05:00

Ellie Greenwich, co-writer of such girl group classics as Leader of the Pack, Chapel of Love and Da Doo Ron Ron, died of a heart attack at age 68.

Here's some cool video of the fabulous Ronettes singing "Be My Baby". Feel the yearning.

Rrrrrrrrrr...

2009-08-24T07:46:00.000-05:00

Back off. I don't feel like getting out of bed, either.

Chicago River Gator CAPTURED!

2009-08-21T20:31:00.003-05:00

A frightened city breathes a sigh of relief as animal control workers captured a 3 foot long alligator who had been marauding along the Chicago River near Fullerton. Animal Care & Control called in outside contractors--operators from the Chicago Herpetological Society, who launched a daring nighttime raid by canoe.

The alligator is pictured below, as he was taken away for interrogation by a team of skilled alligator whisperers...

CHICAGO ON BRINK OF GATOR PANIC

2009-08-20T18:53:00.004-05:00

Early reports indicated a small alligator was spotted in the Chicago River near Damen and Fullerton.

Now a headline reads Pet iguana found in Chicago River, but when you click on that link you get this:

Reptile spotted in Chicago River

August 20, 2009 5:55 PM | 3 Comments | UPDATED STORY

The Chicago Police Marine Unit was called to a report of a three-foot-long reptile along the Chicago River this afternoon, but by the time they responded it was gone, police said.
The animal, which various unconfirmed reports identified as an alligator or iguana, was spotted at about 1:30 p.m. sitting on a rock under a bridge near where Fullerton Avenue crosses the river, police said.
A worker from the Chicago Commission on Animal Care and Control was called to the scene. The reptile has not been found, police said.

Excuse me, "reptile"!?

I smell a cover-up. The authorities think we can't handle the truth. I think it's pretty obvious that more than one crackhead has lost track of his guard alligator, or dumped him into the river just ahead of the police.

The Chicago River is obviously on the brink of being overrun by alligators. Remember, only last year a scrappy little scout gator was pulled out of the Bubbly Creek section of the Chicago River.

We live in dangerous times my friends. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Sarah Palin at the Ren Faire

2009-08-18T22:09:00.006-05:00

One more thing.

Did I mention that we saw Sarah Palin at the Ren Faire?

Oh yah, you betcha we did:

The press hasn't gotten hold of this yet, but 5 Jaeger shots after this picture was taken she totally made out with that viking chick behind her. Then she screamed DON'T YOU JUDGE ME and punched out a passing jester. Security removed her after that and I lost track of her in the crowd.

Zombies bring wholesome family fun to the Ren Faire

2009-08-16T21:10:00.020-05:00

For some reason my brothers and I have always found something inherently amusing about Sansabelt slacks. We have a similar attitude toward dickeys, to the point that my brothers sometimes wear one, Cousin Eddie-style, at Christmas, just to amuse themselves.

One holiday season I discovered there was a Sansabelt shop in Woodfield mall, and I decided to visit while we were doing our Christmas shopping. My brother John and I walked through the door and were almost immediately struck with what can only be described as the giggles. We were rendered nearly speechless within moments of walking into the shop, and when a smiling young woman approached and asked if she could help us we just lost it. I mean, lost it--trying desperately to maintain control, I managed to croak out a "no, thank you" in a voice that sounded very much like Squeaky-voiced Teen from the Simpsons. John started shaking and snorting, and we wheeled about and practically ran out of the store. Once we cleared the exit we fell apart, punching each other and laughing like loons.

I mention this because I discovered this is nearly the same reaction I have when I walk through the gates of the Bristol Renaissance Faire. Within moments of arriving at the Faire, before I even had a beer in hand, I became giddy to the point of stupidity. At first I thought it was all the cleavage on display. I know that always has an effect on me. But it was so much more than that. The heady combination of sights and smells, walking around in the sun, the flesh on display, the sheer exuberant hokiness of it all...

It turns out I really enjoy visiting the RenFaire. There. I said it.

Of course, I had an excuse for visiting. The only reason we were there in the center of that den of iniquity was that our eldest was helping out at Plague Day, the first zombie event held at Bristol. Nora was helping out with makeup for people attending the event who hadn't zombie-fied themselves in advance. Her friend Geoff, the man behind Kitty Zombie, organized the event.

And what an event it was. I'll just get right to the pictures from the day. MizBubs kept me out of trouble by preventing me from approaching anyone sporting a combination of near-nudity and chain mail, so these pictures are all SFW.

One of the things I love about the RenFaire is the people who show up with random bits of fantasy wear--I saw fur tails attached to several ample rear ends, bondage gear, Weimar cabaret costumes, gladiators and Orcs. Last year I saw a group of Klingons visiting, but they must have gone to the Dells instead this year. I half expected a group of Civil War reenactors to show up in uniform, claiming a professional courtesy discount.

This guy decided to wear some vaguely SWAT-ish vest, black jeans and musketeer boots:

There were acrobats

Faeries

Living statues

And living statues with obnoxious shirtless drunks

There was a disturbing moment when the Royal Court roamed the grounds, seeking a suitable male child to take away with them and raise as one of their own

On to the zombies.

There was a fine collection of living dead at the Faire yesterday. I am especially impressed with people willing to put in freaky contact lenses to complete the undead effect:

Nora, horror's girl next door, stayed busy making up the not-yet undead

Kitty Zombie is seen here working out costume contest details with Lord Bedlington-Fop (not his actual name--I just like saying "Lord Bedlington-Fop". The actor did a fine job of announcing the contest, and was quite funny.)

There was a costume contest. The medieval tranny zombie did quite well and made it to the finals. See if you can spot her.

And a zombie pinup contest. I have to say that some of these gals were more goth and steam punk than they were medieval, but I still enjoyed the show.

It was a good day.

______________________

I found an article in my email this morning, sent to me by my friend Bawb the Revelator. You will want to remember this formula:

Want to know why? Because that formula is the mathematical formula for surviving a zombie attack:

“An outbreak of zombies is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead,” the authors wrote. “It is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble...
“Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication, assuming the available resources can be mustered in time,” they concluded.

And if we don’t act fast enough?

“If the timescale of the outbreak increases, then the result is the doomsday scenario: an outbreak of zombies will result in the collapse of civilization, with every human infected, or dead,” they wrote. “This is because human births and deaths will provide the undead with a limitless supply of new bodies to infect, resurrect and convert.”

How fast do we need to deal with the outbreak? Here’s the equation they used, where S = susceptibles, Z = zombies and R = removed. If an infection breaks out in a city of 500,000 people, the zombies will outnumber the susceptibles in about three days.

We are now working on committing this equation to memory, in between target practice and alphabetizing our canned goods stockpile.

Hope y'all had a good weekend!

If you're not creeped out, I'm not doing my job

2009-08-02T11:00:00.004-05:00

Never before have I seen a yoga instructor or children's television host show up on the creepy continuum.

Now I have, and he's a two-fer.

I found this video courtesy of another ChicagoNow blogger, Maya Henderson at Breath, Body and Balance:

*UPDATED: This video is not from a children's TV show. It is from a 1997 instructional video, "E-i-E-i Yoga: for Kids". As if that makes it better.

Constant vigilance!

2009-07-20T08:09:00.000-05:00

Back to work. It's an ugly job, but someone's got to do it.

Why am I such a dick sometimes?

2009-07-19T08:40:00.002-05:00

MizBubs just bought a new car for the first time in her life yesterday. Thanks to the "Cash for Clunkers" program, she settled on a new Nissan Cube. It marks the first time since 1989 that she has not been the driver of a minivan. She is excited.

Our youngest, just-starting-to-drive daughter is also very excited. She pushed hard for the Cube, and was terrified that MizBubs, practical and thrifty gal that she is, might opt for something cheaper and more run o' the mill than the Cube. As my bride finished up her paperwork, I couldn't resist sending a text message to our youngest:

Your mom decided to go with a charcoal nissan sentra

My bride looked at me, shook her head and said "why do you do this?"

"Can't help myself" I answered, starting to cackle. She's told me before that my passive aggressive practical joking sometimes marks me as kind of a jerk. This is how the rest of the exchange went:

Youre kidding.

3000 cheaper

Its a 4 door sedan but i talked her out of the wagon

Why would we get a sedan theres no space were getting a cube you cant just lie to me for a month

She decided to go with a more sensible car than a cube

The cube IS sensible. If youre kidding stop it its NOT funny.

Its a sedan but it has a really big trunk and a full size spare

TELL HER NO GET THE FUCKING CUBE PLEASE. DONT DO THIS

Shes signing the paperwork now

If you dont get the cube I wont talk to you for the rest of the summer.

Does this mean our road trip is off? Because the sedan is a smooth ride

I hate you guys.

I think MizBubs got a good deal on the car, but I'm not completely sure. I was giggling like Richard Widmark pushing an old woman down the stairs, and didn't really pay much attention to the closing details. She told me later that it worked out well for her. When everything was finished she texted both girls and said she was surprised, and maybe a little disappointed, that

1) they had no faith in her to ultimately choose the fun car, and

2) they fell for my bullshit, again, after all these years.

I did not get hit that hard when I got home.

On, Wisconsin!

2009-07-18T18:58:00.005-05:00

Meet 23-year-old Rachel Ferrara. Rachel does not like her boyfriend watching porn. I mean, she really does not like her boyfriend watching porn. Or maybe it was the watching porn and masturbating part that got her. Maybe if he'd just been doing one or the other, things would have worked out ok. We'll probably never know.

In any event, Rachel came home and found her boyfriend getting busy with himself. She punched him in the gut, kicked him in the groin, and then backed him into the kitchen, where she proceeded to grab a 5" serrated knife. She then carved him a bit about the arms, and stabbed him in the abdomen. He drove himself to the hospital.

What makes this strange for a Wisconsin case is that she used a serrated kitchen knife, and not a replica Ren-Faire dagger of some type. Maybe she's not originally from Wisconsin.

I love New Orleans

2009-07-11T10:43:00.003-05:00

I just learned of another reason to love New Orleans:

San Fermin in Nueva Orleans, featuring an Encierro (bull run) this morning through the French Quarter. Instead of four-legged bulls chasing you through the streets, they have roller derby gals from the Big Easy Rollergirls wearing horns and smacking you on the ass with big plastic bats.

You can read more about the event in this story from the Times-Picayune.

Laissez les bon temps roulez!

Because nothing good happened here.

2009-07-09T00:27:00.002-05:00

That's a line from this post by artist & writer Tim Broderick, whose blog Odd Jobs appears in the list to the right. Tim was writing about the trial of the man accused of killing Mark "Atwood" Evans, a friend of Tim and Johnny Yen.

That line, "because nothing good happened here", jumped out and stuck with me. I wrote a little bit about the case, and about the impact of murders on the people left behind, in the latest post at Arresting Tales:

Arresting Tales: When the jury comes in...

Johnny Yen has written with much pain and eloquence about his friend Mark, and about this case. You can find some of his posts here.

Reading what Johnny and Tim wrote this past week served as a solemn reminder for me to never forget the families and friends of victims. In searching for information on this case, I could not find any articles in the Tribune or Sun-Times regarding the murder of Mark Evans or Khalif Muhammad, or describing the arrest of Jorge Pena, or of the guilty verdict on Monday.

Even furries have standards

2009-07-07T22:19:00.002-05:00

"...we can't have that going on at the furmeet"

Excerpt from a text message sent to Richael Michels, a 45 year old Fort Collins mother accused of introducing her daughter's 16-year-old ex-boyfriend to the "furry lifestyle" and having sex with him. The text was sent by a fellow furry who disapproved of the conduct.

Richael was known to her victim as "Kitteh".

Do not want.

Tracing the arc of a party

2009-07-05T19:24:00.010-05:00

"Those were some of the nicest people I've ever met. There wasn't a single asshole in the bunch"

-My mother, describing the people who showed up for our 4th of July party last night

A party has a life of its own. You try and create the right conditions; you hope you've got good food and good booze, and you try and set up comfortable spaces for people to hang out. If you're lucky, once your guests arrive and start to interact with each other, things take off and all you have to do from that point is ride the wave.

We love our party guests. They call and email and ask what they can bring, they pitch in and chop vegetables and clear plates and bring wine and delicious baked goods. They help MizBubs pass food into the dining room when she can't get through the crowd; they tell stories, they re-light your tiki torches, they show up with extra people in tow...in short, they make your party. We are especially blessed to be surrounded by good people.

This year's party started right on time with people showing up at 4pm, while it was still raining. By 6 we had a good crowd, and they were hungry. The food got devoured, a good portion of the crowd left by 9:30 or 10, and then a few of us got to sit and socialize until almost 1. It was very relaxing.

Before

Early (it was still raining when the first people showed up)

Later (nothing like seeing your breath fog in July. I can't wait to move south)

Sunday morning: fine weather for a 4th of July party, huh?

After

The Sunday afternoon cocktail is Ska Brewing Pinstripe Red Ale, and whatever is left in the coolers.

Happy Independence Day

2009-07-04T09:28:00.002-05:00

I like this country.

Have a great weekend!

Dispatch from Pittsburgh

2009-07-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

My source in Pittsburgh tells me that Anthrocon is off to a flying start. There's a get-acquainted mixer on Thursday night where the attendees, in various stages of fursuit, may get their dance on:

HERE COMES THE HOLIDAY WEEKEND!

2009-07-03T10:14:00.004-05:00

OK, I owe you one

2009-07-01T22:13:00.003-05:00

Maybe more than one, actually. After springing Pam and Mr. Tuggles on you, I figure I owe you a little visual palate cleanser.

Here you are. Think happy thoughts, the holiday weekend is just around the corner.

Besides, you need to prepare yourselves. One of our assets may be on the ground in Pittsburgh, reporting back from Anthrocon. We'll see...

Got plans for this weekend?

2009-06-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

If you don't, you still have time to make it to Anthrocon 2009, billed as "the galaxy's largest furry convention!" July 2-5 at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center in Pittsburgh.

I know, you thought Pittsburgh was all yinzers, Primanti Brothers sandwiches, zombies, and Andy Warhol.

No. It's so much more than that. When you get there, say hi to Pam and Mister Tuggles.

It's the end of the world as I know it

2009-06-29T18:19:00.004-05:00

Double-tagged, and by two people whose writing I really enjoy:

First by J.D. Carlucci and immediately after that by Cormac Brown.

It's called

"The End of the World" meme.

You wake up tomorrow and every person on the planet has vanished. What do you do?

I'm going to go with Mr. Carlucci's slightly less corpse and rat-ridden vision of the end. He said "every person on the planet has vanished", not "every person on the planet has dropped dead and is now rotting away in place" thank God.

Day One: Spend an hour or so making phone calls that won't go through, checking TV channels that have gone off the air, stuff like that. Spend most of the morning in stunned disbelief. Get in my car and drive around for a little while checking things out, convincing myself everyone is really gone. Drive to the police station where I work to see if there are any clues in the form of teletypes or official notices that might give me some clue as to what happened.

Load up a department SUV with ammunition and an extra couple of rifles. I wouldn't need much more in terms of guns (got plenty) just ammo and spare parts. With all of humanity vanished I'm not sure why I'd need more guns and ammo, but I'm a paranoid bastard and I've always figured it's better to have a gun and not need it than the other way around. Stop at church and pray, and light some candles, and then steal some liquor on the way home. Cry. Let the dogs sleep in bed with me for the first time.

Week One: Set about looking for a living woman to mate with in order to continue the human race. Then I'd remember I had a vasectomy, and that whole continuing the human race thing was just a lame excuse to try and get laid to take the edge off. I'd feel like a fraud, and feel extra guilty because I survived and my family didn't. I'd probably go get more guns and booze at that point. I'd go through and pack up family photos and favorite books, including all my bride's books on small farming and gardening. Pause to regret not printing out all those family pictures saved on the computer that I'll never get to see again. Cry.

Stop and loot Walgreens to load up on antibiotics, dental care supplies and medicine. PAINKILLERS. Steal a good bicycle and lots of extra tires and inner tubes. I'd also hit the local REI and grab a few sets of good technical clothing, boots, water purifiers and backpacking food. I'd hitch up a trailer full of water, non-perishable food, gasoline, stove fuel, a generator, and start driving south to a more temperate climate zone. I don't want to be stuck in the midwest when winter rolls in. Last thing I'd do was leave a note and a map with my planned route.

Month One: Convince myself that, yes, everyone really IS gone as I drive south. Get far enough south that hard freezes won't be too much of a problem, probably somewhere in south/central Kentucky or Tennessee. Find a good house somewhere near or on a river. Continue looking around and hoarding.

Year One: Work on gardening and raising animals. Write in a journal every week. Shoot guns off at random and scream at God. Hug my dogs. Take road trips, a week at a time (wouldn't want to spend more time than that away from the homestead--the orchard needs to be tended, food harvested and canned, animals fed and tended to), just in hope of running into another human being. Wonder why I was left alive.

Christ this was depressing. But fun!

MY DUMPLINGS!!!

2009-06-29T15:43:00.003-05:00

We eat a lot of Asian dumplings and noodles in this household. We're close to a massive Korean supermarket (H-Mart) and a large but less-massive Japanese supermarket (Mitsuwa). Even though we have superior dumpling access, there have still been times that someone ate the last dumpling. We've never experienced a scene like this:

Are you ready for the 4th of July?

2009-06-28T23:50:00.001-05:00

These folks are:

X was amazing at the Double Door

2009-06-22T12:01:00.004-05:00

X at the Double Door was amazing. They sounded perfect. My bride said she could close her eyes and it was like being transported back to 1983. And you couldn't ask for a more enthusiastic and energetic crowd. Like this kid:

He's a huge X fan.

More married life (and more risque content)

2009-06-21T17:06:00.000-05:00

One of the neat things about being married to MizBubs is that she's always bringing home cool stuff for me. Since she works at the library she sometimes gets to see used books that are brought in as donations to Friends of the Library before they go on sale. She has a particularly keen eye for pulp paperbacks. Not too long ago she brought home these two gems:

"More" was published in 1965 and contains material going back to 1954; "Still More" came out in 1968. Much of what passed for swanky humor back then is now more likely viewed as a series of tacky jokes about date rape, adultery and office sexual harassment. Still, there are some good times to be had, in a sort of retro/atomic fashion:

"What's that drink you're mixing?" the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar.

"I call this a rum dandy" said the bartender.

"What's in it?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum" said the barkeep.

"Is it good?" asked the stranger.

"Sure," said the bartender. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy."

Then there are the limericks:

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones we've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

God's plan had a hopeful beginning,
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory,
But at present the other side's winning.

And, of course, there are the cartoons. Leroy Nieman's Femlins (think female + gremlin) decorate the covers of both books and appear on nearly every page inside.

I picked two of these cartoons to post on our anniversary. Our roles are not so locked in as the characters in the drawings. We mix it up. Scroll down to see 'em.

***WARNING NAKED CARTOON LADIES BELOW***

Married Life (warning, risque content)

2009-06-21T13:09:00.001-05:00

Well, for these first 23 years I'd have to say I've liked it very much.

23 years ago today, at St. Thomas of Canterbury in Uptown, my bride made me the luckiest man in the world. She continues to do so.

Dad

2009-06-21T06:05:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about my dad lately. That's his picture you see there. It was taken in 1994 as a head shot when he was doing extra work in films and commercials after he retired.

My dad was born in eastern Kentucky. He worked his way up from a job at a Sears store to a management job, and then ultimately a job at their corporate office in New York. He had a title like "national fashion director", but we were never sure exactly what he did, except it had something to do with arranging for the right accessories to be shown in photo shoots for the Sears catalog.

During the 70's and early 80's when Sears was trying to be hip by featuring models like Margaux Hemingway and Cheryl Tiegs, dad was involved in those projects. He made it into Studio 54 at least a couple times back in the day. We moved to Chicago when the Sears Tower was built.

Shortly after my dad died in 1997, I learned something about him. According to one of my cousins, as a young man my dad went to great lengths to rid himself of his southern accent. He would stand in front of the mirror doing speech exercises so he wouldn't sound like a hick. I guess it worked. Funny thing is, within a year after retiring, the accent came back as strong as ever. He sounded like a character from a Tennessee Williams play, a courtly red-faced southern gentleman. He wore a lot of khaki and seersucker, and he looked good in a hat.

He was stern, and from the time I was around 10 years old I don't remember having an easy time being in the same house with him. We never came to blows, but we came close, and I moved out when I was 18. He did not care for my night owl habits or my rebelliousness. Think of every classic "father" line, you know, stuff like "YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY? or "SOMEONE HAS TO PAY FOR THAT ELECTRICITY" or "YOU'RE CRYING?!? I'LL GIVE YOU A REASON TO CRY!" and of course, the quieter and much scarier "son, do you think I'm stupid?" and I guarantee he uttered it at some point.

Some time between my coming home from the Army and my getting married to MizBubs we'd worked it out and got along fine. I think he credited Mizbubs with keeping me from being a bum. I can thank him for whatever work ethic I have, and for knowing what it means to be responsible. I know I'm a better man and a better father having been raised by him. If I may pat myself on the back just a little, I think I also learned to enjoy being a father more than he had...but that's probably a generational thing.

In hindsight, I think he very keenly felt the pressure of being responsible for raising a family. The man worked his ass off, and it wasn't until years later that I figured out that all those vacations and road trips were paid for by his weekends running a stall at the flea market, and all the garage sales he used to have. I also found out, years later, that he never made nearly as much money as any of us thought he did. He was just one of those people who gave the impression of having more money than they actually do.

It was wonderful to watch him ease up after he retired. He moved back to Kentucky with my mom. The man stayed busy, though, with volunteer work and travel. My mom doesn't have the travel bug like he did (another thing he passed on to me), so he just went by himself. He traveled all over Asia, North Africa and Europe. The man walked fast, too, and he loved to garden. I found out from my mom that my dad loved to brag about me, and repeated my work stories to their neighbors. His favorite was the one about the guy who walked into a Jewel store and committed suicide by attempting to cut off his own head with a band saw in the meat department. I'm told he had the gurgling sound effects down perfectly.

By the time my kids were born, my dad was very much the way I remembered him when I was a young child--full of surprises, funny and kind. Before he died, my dad gave us gifts for the girls to open on their 16th birthdays, pieces of jewelry. He loved to give gifts, and made sure that he continued to do so posthumously.

I've still got some stuff around the house that reminds me of him every day. Take a look at this shelf:

I gots a lot of my favorite stuff there. Some paperbacks MizBubs gave me, an autographed photo of Adrienne Barbeau from Nora, a set of Elvis Pez dispensers from Johnny Yen. Just out of frame there's a ceramic alligator head ashtray from Dr. Monkey V. Monkerstein, some really cool Vampirella comics from Flannery Alden and Doc, and some beautiful pinup art from MizBubs. In the lower left is a fishing knife that my dad gave me after a trip to the Bahamas. There's a bongo drum that he brought back from a business trip when I was around 5 or 6. There's a red wind-up race car (still works beautifully) that's also around 45 years old.

My dad loved toys, and loved games. I still have the Mickey Mouse phone that he kept in his office for years:

I've also got a card game that he used to like to play with us after dinner. The box has fallen apart, but the cards are in good shape. It's an Austrian game called "Black Peter"

_____________________

So, now it's Fathers Day.

I have been blessed with the most beautiful wife and children I could ever have imagined. My world has gotten bigger and is filled with good friends and adventures. I've had a rewarding and satisfying job for more than 20 years. I am humbled by my good fortune.

Thank you Dad.

More carnival fun!

2009-06-20T13:42:00.000-05:00

You know what else you can find at carnivals?

The book "Road Show" by John Haase is a bold, exciting tale of carnival life. It will show you what you can find at carnivals, besides the hard-hitting tent man's sledge hammer.

Look closely and see...

R.I.P. John Joseph Houghtaling

2009-06-19T17:49:00.002-05:00

For those of us who have memories of cross country road trips with our families in the 1960's and 1970's, this man was a giant.

John Joseph Houghtaling, inventor of the "Magic Fingers" vibrating bed, died Wednesday at the age of 92.

Summer: Time for carny fun!

2009-06-19T13:36:00.003-05:00

Summer time isn't just for visiting the RenFaire.

It's also time for carnivals!

Thank you Steven Colbert for putting together this handy kid's guide to summer carnivals.

Suspicious Minds

2009-06-19T00:10:00.002-05:00

It's one of those days. I can't get this out of my head.

From the 1970 documentary Elvis: That's the Way It Is, an August 1970 performance of Suspicious Minds at the fabulous International Hotel in Las Vegas

More fun at the Ren Faire

2009-06-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

WELCOME TO BRISTOL, WISCONSIN!
ENJOY YOUR TURKEY LEG!

Yet another arrest for mom and daughter brothel team - Arresting Tales

2009-06-18T10:39:00.001-05:00

Yet another arrest for mom and daughter brothel team - Arresting Tales

Posted using ShareThis

Summer time means one thing

2009-06-17T00:28:00.003-05:00

It's time to go to the Renaissance Faire:

It's fun for the whole family!

Four things

2009-06-14T10:37:00.007-05:00

I saw this over at Cormac Writes and thought it looked like fun. It's been a while since I did any lists. I'm curious as to how they start, why one number is chosen instead of another, and why so many of us feel compelled to list things about ourselves.

4 movies you would watch over and over again:

Casablanca
Apocalypse Now
Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
Caddyshack

4 places you have lived:

Louisville, Kentucky
Teaneck, New Jersey
Yardley, Pennsylvania
Chicago, Illinois

4 TV shows you love to watch:

No Reservations
Iron Chef America
Metalocalypse I love this show. My youngest got me the first 2 seasons on DVD. I watched it all in two days after Christmas, and then couldn't fall asleep properly because I kept hearing the theme song in my head.
South Park Hard to believe this show is more than 10 years old.

4 places you have been on vacation:

The Florida Keys
Las Vegas
New Orleans
Ireland

4 of your favorite foods:

Sushi
Buzzard's Breath chili This is more or less the recipe my chili is based on. Mine is better, I think.
Raw oysters
Gumbo "You can eat a lot of gumbo" is what MizBubs said when I mentioned this. Gumbo z'herbes, chicken and andouille gumbo, seafood gumbo, duck and oyster gumbo...

4 websites you visit daily:

Chicago Now If I may self promote, this is where my cop blog Arresting Tales is located.
Salon
Second City Cop
Fark

4 places you would rather be right now:

A cabin on a lake in Minnesota
The French Quarter
My backyard (I'm sitting here because I came down with a wicked cold last night, and I'm still trying to clear my head, and it's a beautiful day outside.)
Driving somewhere out west to someplace I've never visited

4 things you want to do before you die:

Own a small farm
Drive around the USA for at least a couple months
Do a through-hike of a major trail like the Appalachian or Pacific Crest
Scuba dive

4 books you wish you could read again for the first time:

Under the Volcano
Anything by Raymond Chandler or Dashiell Hammet
In the Electric Mist with Confederate Dead I have read all of James Lee Burke's novels featuring Dave Robicheaux, but this one made the biggest impression on me.
The World According to Garp

Tag 4 people you think will respond:

Why stop at 4? If you'd like to do this, consider yourself tagged!

Saturday morning coffee

2009-06-13T09:42:00.006-05:00

This time last week we were waking up at the farm and drinking coffee around the fire in a light morning rain.

This morning I'm sitting with my youngest daughter, drinking coffee and listening to the rain fall against the windows. We're inside, dry and warm. Yesterday was the last day of school, and we're looking forward to summer. If it ever gets here.

_____________________

Who says colonoscopies can't be a source of humor? My mom, bless her heart, had to go through the indignity of a colonoscopy yesterday. She's 79 years old and is proud of the fact that she's in good health and doesn't have to take a lot of prescription drugs or spend a lot of time in doctor's offices. She was born and raised in Ashland, Kentucky, and has a charming accent that hasn't been erased by 45 years of living above the Mason Dixon Line. I was talking with her on the drive home from the gastroenterology clinic, and she got kind of solemn talking about the swift and strong effects of the anesthesia:

"I wonder if that's what dying will be like. One moment you're here, and you're talking with people, and then the next moment there's just nothing. You're just gone, no dreams or anything. Then all of a sudden I woke up and everyone was telling me I had to fart."

_____________________

"Do you think this will look okay?"

Those words were spoken to me by our eldest as she prepared for a movie shoot that's underway as I type this. She was putting her stuff together last night and had prepared a batch of fake blood:

"I think it's kind of 70's looking. It's not my best, but it's mostly for some splatter effects so it should be fine. That's why it's so thin. Thanks for taking a look at it for me. It helps having a cop for a dad."

I always knew this job would be good for something.

Summertime Dilemma

2009-06-11T09:03:00.001-05:00

What do you do when it's unbearably hot or muggy outside? Or when you can't go outside because of those intense midwestern thunderstorms? What do you do? What do you do?

Well, one idea is to cool off in the basement of your parent's house and play with all your awesome stuff:

Your basic lawn and garden zombie

2009-06-09T12:05:00.004-05:00

This is Lazarus, the lawn and garden zombie who greeted us when we got to the farm Friday afternoon.

Until Friday I didn't know there was such a thing as a lawn and garden zombie. It turns out that Design Toscano doesn't just sell gargoyles and tasteful nudes. They also sell something called "The Zombie of Montclaire Moors", which my in-laws snapped up and named Lazarus.

Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!

Bowling

2009-06-09T00:37:00.005-05:00

Happy Anniversary Kate & Steve

2009-06-07T22:12:00.012-05:00

We headed out to Iowa this weekend to celebrate the 10th wedding anniversary of MizBubs' sister Kate, and her husband Steve. Steve's family owns a farm and we make it out there a couple times a year to camp and visit.

This weekend was wonderful. While there was no Sunday Afternoon Cocktail, there was a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon, multiple bottles of bourbon and at one point Saturday afternoon a delicious Bloody Mary appeared, made by some guy named Andy we'd just met for the first time, chock full of horseradish and minced garlic. Whew. I'll have to get that recipe.

There was singing, party games, adventures with chainsaws, and fishing, and a ratio of one dog per every 2 people. It rained a little, but it didn't seem to bother anyone. There is no better feeling than being in a warm dry tent at night and listening to the rain falling.

Here are some pics from the weekend. Hope y'all had a good one. Now it's back to work.

Kohl's, 1745 hours

2009-06-04T21:21:00.000-05:00

Costco, 1330 hours

2009-06-04T19:19:00.001-05:00

Return of the suffering bastard

2009-06-01T00:05:00.002-05:00

Yes, today's Sunday Afternoon Cocktail was The Suffering Bastard:

1 oz bourbon
1 oz gin
1 oz lime juice
1 dash Angostura bitters

-Mix ingredients and pour over ice, top up with ginger ale or ginger beer
-Garnish with an orange slice and maraschino cherry
(*Normally I make these in a rocks glass, but decided a pilsener glass might be more festive today)

I came in from gardening a few minutes earlier than MizBubs to have these ready for her. You'll see that she's nearly worked her fingers to the bone, and I got this drink to her just in time. She is a girl dynamo.

The tomatoes, pattypan squash and herbs are in. The the sunflowers are planted and the back of the house cleared. Just a few more things to be done now. The de-whitetrashification is proceeding nicely:

Sunflowers

Our humble square foot garden

The herb garden before weeding and planting

And after

Lower left corner is mint, lower right corner is chives, upper right corner is garlic chives, upper left corner is dill. Those are all there from last year. Invisible in this picture are all the seeds that MizBubs planted just moments before.

_____________________

The past few days I've been something of a suffering bastard myself. I have an appointment with a new chiropractor on Tuesday, and I'm going to force myself to call the podiatrist this week as well. I suspect I have a heel spur and have barely run since April. I never got adjusted after the three days of defensive tactics training earlier this month, and it's left me creaky, sluggish and stiff.

Tomorrow I begin three days of zombie apocalypse preparedness training. I was told to bring a gas mask. We'll see how that goes.

Hope y'all had a nice weekend.

They're coming to get you...

2009-05-30T19:07:00.005-05:00

Welcome to summer

2009-05-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well, it's here now--summer. Sure, it's cold and rainy right at this moment, but this was Memorial Day weekend that we just celebrated, and that means summer, right? Right?

Go for the gusto.

In a nutshell

2009-05-25T22:50:00.016-05:00

The weekend was splendid.

Pilcrow Lit Fest wrapped up with Opium's Literary Death Match and the Rebuilt Books Auction. Yours truly got appointed AV geek for a day and worked the microphones and lights for the event at the ViaDuct Theater. I am not in the habit of attending readings, but I'm going to start. There is something really cool about hearing people reading their stories. As a bonus I got to hang out with Amy Guth, her hub and a couple of friends afterward at the Silver Cloud Bar & Grill. I have a soft spot for that place because MizBubs, girl genius, once re-designed our kitchen and living room on the back of a cocktail napkin there years ago.

Sunday afternoon was my niece's first birthday party, and that was a blast. My brother and his wife throw a good party, and I waddled out of there fat and happy.

Sunday night we made our way over to the Tiki Terrace after a power nap, and had a few drinks at Retro Zombie Tiki Terror. The event was co-hosted by Kitty Zombie (an amazing character!), ChicagoZombie.com, ZombiePinups.com and Zombie Army Productions. Our very own Nora made a few clams doing zombie makeup, and then to top off the evening she won the zombie pin-up contest! Behold, zombies at the tiki bar in all their splendor:

Since it was Sunday, you know there were cocktails. And the Sunday Afternoon Cocktail was (of course)

The Zombie (recipe from this story about Beachbum Berry)
1 ounce fresh lime juice

3/4 ounce unsweetened pineapple juice

3/4 ounce papaya nectar

1/2 ounce applejack

1 ounce dark Jamaican rum

2 ounces Barbados rum

1 ounce light Puerto Rican rum

1/2 ounce 151-proof Demerara rum
tablespoon powdered sugar

Shake everything--except Demerara--with ice cubes. Float Demerara on top of drink. Garnish with mint sprig, pineapple cube skewered between red and green cocktail cherries, and a pinch of powdered sugar sprinkled all over.

Today we managed to get out into the yard to work on the annual de-whitetrashification. We repaired some loose stones on the front porch, weeded, cut the lawn and cleaned up the herb garden. While I was working on the porch, MizBubs, girl dynamo, got the idea of repairing and sprucing up our bird bath:

Finally, as a bonus, since today felt like a Sunday we had another cocktail. Today's 3-Day Weekend That Feels Like A Sunday Afternoon Cocktail was:

The Mint Julep

8 mint leaves
2 tablespoons simple syrup
3 shots of bourbon
crushed ice

Tear up the mint leaves and place in the bottom of a tall glass. Add syrup and muddle (the handle of a wooden spoon works well if you don't have a muddler). Add bourbon and stir. Fill the glass with crushed ice and stir again, garnish with a sprig of mint. Enjoy!

Nor shall their story be forgot...

2009-05-25T11:06:00.004-05:00

If you're not sure how to observe Memorial Day, you can find some ideas here.

There is a National Moment of Remembrance at 3:00 PM, and that's local time wherever you are. Please pause for a moment of reflection and respect. I know we will.

Party like it's 1959

2009-05-20T21:58:00.005-05:00

Party like it's 1959...that's what the promoters of Retro Zombie Tiki Terror promise on their web page:

On Sunday, May 24, get ready to party like it’s 1959 at RETRO ZOMBIE TIKI TERROR!, a night of zombie fun set in the tiki wonderland that is The Tiki Terrace in Des Plaines, IL. RETRO ZOMBIE TIKI TERROR! will feature a Polynesian floor show, Zombie Pinups Beauty Pageant, Zombie Costume Contest, raffles, prizes, zombie movies, tiki tunes and, of course, delicious tiki drinks!

Tentative itinerary (subject to change):

6:00 - 10:00 : All ages welcome!
6:00 - 8:00 : Socialize, eat, drink and be scary!
8:00 - 9:00 : Live Polynesian Floor Show
9:00 - 10:00 : Booze & Shmooze
10:00 : Kids, go home - 18+ after 10:00
10:00 : Zombie Costume Contest
Guys & Dolls, come dressed in your zombie finest and compete to win fabulous prizes!
11:00 : Zombie Pinups Beauty Pageant
Ladies, put on your sexiest classic pinup outfit and your most gruesome zombie make up, and compete to win awesome prizes! Judging will be based on quality of make up / effects and costume. All contestants will be photographed for a special gallery at ZombiePinups.com; to get an idea of what we’re looking for, visit the gallery at ZombiePinups.com, and start planning your character NOW!

Enjoy fine food, tiki drinks, classic music, zombie movies and other Chicago zombie dudes & dames in between events! Every ticketholder gets a raffle ticket, so you never know when you’ll win something spectacular.

Tickets are $15.00 in advance, $20.00 at the door. Ticket does NOT include food or drinks. The Tiki Terrace has a full menu of Polynesian-themed food.

RETRO ZOMBIE TIKI TERROR! will take place from 6:00 pm to 2:00 am on Sunday, May 24, at the Tiki Terrace, 1591 Lee St., Des Plaines, IL 60018, approximately 4 minutes north of O’Hare International Airport. Tiki Terrace is located at the NE Corner of Lee/Manheim and Oakton.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "gee, I'd love to go to a retro zombie tiki event, since it would give me a wonderful opportunity to show off my vintage threads, but I have no clue how to get that living dead look that all the cool kids go for nowadays." I feel you. Luckily for the zombie makeup challenged, Nora will have a booth set up at the event and will be providing zombie makeovers for a small fee. Tell her Bubs sent you. Hope to see you there!

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Pilcrow Lit Fest will be wrapping up on Saturday night with Literary Death Match and the Rebuilt Books Auction at the fabulous ViaDuct Theater.

MizBubs and I will be there soaking it all in.

So there you have it folks--two opportunities to drink up in swell surroundings.

That's it for now. I've got a couple of projects demanding some attention, so I won't be around for a few days. Until next week, please stand by.

Smoke break, 1959

2009-05-19T06:55:00.002-05:00

Zircon!

2009-05-18T11:04:00.000-05:00

Rained out Random Ten

2009-05-15T06:58:00.003-05:00

Well, this is a drag. Got all this stuff ready for the big garage sale and it is raining. Not much now, but by noon it's supposed to be thunderstorms. Ah well. There's still Saturday, and maybe Sunday too if we feel like it.

Let's have some music for a rain delay. Here's today's Rained-Out Random Ten:

Goo Goo Muck--The Cramps

Sheena Is A Punk Rocker--The Ramones

The Hardest Button To Button--The White Stripes

Excitable Boy--Warren Zevon

You Really Got Me--Van Halen

Till I Get My Way--The Black Keys

Bone Machine--The Pixies

Dragula--Rob Zombie (I just noticed something 42 seconds into that video that shocked me)

Singapore--Tom Waits

Eighteen--Alice Cooper

About Nancy Pelosi...

2009-05-14T23:17:00.003-05:00

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has been in the news lately claiming the CIA lied to her regarding "enhanced interrogation techniques."

This is bothering me. You see, I have an issue with Nancy Pelosi.

No matter what, she continues to remind me of Jennifer Wilbanks, the "runaway bride".

Observe:

Nancy Pelosi

Jennifer Wilbanks

I'm just saying.

What we're up to this weekend

2009-05-14T17:53:00.003-05:00

It can't always be tropical drinks in exotic destinations with fellow bloggers. Next week we'll be attending as much of Pilcrow Lit Fest as we can, and the weekend of the 23rd-24th brings, in rapid succession, Pilcrow's finale, my niece's first birthday party, and a Retro Zombie Tiki Terror party (more on that later.)

But for now, it's garage sale time. This is the weekend for the annual Mount Prospect Garage Sale: 500 + garage sales in one weekend. You can read more about it here.

We cleaned out (mostly) the basement and (pretty much) the garage, and we'll be peddling our crap on Friday and Saturday. We'll be taking Sunday off to go to church and then sacrifice a hog.

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Mark your calendars now for Sunday, May 24th. The Chicago Horror Society is presenting Retro Zombie Tiki Terror! at the Tiki Terrace in Des Plaines. There will be drinks and contests and pinups and zombies, and a certain lovely and talented young woman will be working the event. Come out and party like it's 1959. You can sleep in on Memorial Day. More info here: Retro Zombie Tiki Terror!

Video from Fangoria

2009-05-13T11:47:00.005-05:00

This is a cool little video from the Fangoria Spooksmodel contest. Nora is around 16 seconds in with gore bubbling from her chest. Sweet.

You have a choice

2009-05-11T23:42:00.004-05:00

It's either cast resin lawn critters with dead black eyes:

or heads in a bag:

Your choice. Don't screw this up.

Time for drinks and socializing

2009-05-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

It looks like spring is finally here, and a young man's fancy turns to tropical drinks and socializing.

We are going to be graced by a visit from noted Buckeye Flannery Alden. She is going to be in town on "business" as she puts it, and is staying somewhere just this side of the Indiana state line. After a series of emails, she picked (how lucky for me is this?) the fabulous Hala-Kahiki lounge in River Grove as a good spot to meet. Some of us carnivores will strap on a cheap feedbag beforehand at Gene and Jude's just down the street.

Both places are pretty easy to get to from the city and from the suburbs. The Hala-Kahiki is pretty darn swanky, and has an extensive menu of deceptively potent and reasonably-priced tiki drinks. It's possible their outdoor area will be open by then.

So, dear readers, how's about it? I say it's been too long since we got together and had a few drinks. Let's spend some time together and welcome visiting celebrity Flannery Alden.

Here's the info:

Wednesday, May 13 7:30-ish until whenever...

Hala-Kahiki Lounge
2834 River Road, River Grove, IL

Gene & Jude's
2720 River Road, River Grove, IL

View Hala-Kahiki/Gene & Jude's in a larger map

Hope y'all can make it. If you think you can, email me or comment here and let me know.

Bottoms up!

Happy Mother's Day, Darling Part II: Make Room for Cousins

2009-05-10T14:55:00.004-05:00

Photo courtesy of Awkward Family Photos, with a tip of the hat to Dr. Monkey V. Monkerstein, for providing me with this perfect time-waster.

Happy Mother's Day, Darling

2009-05-10T11:32:00.004-05:00

Check this out

2009-05-08T21:24:00.004-05:00

One of the sweetest gals we've met lately is Viva La Muerte, one of Nora's fellow contestants in the Fangoria Spooksmodel competition. Turns out she's also from Chicago, and is a hell of a dancer.

She's got a show at the Viaduct Theater on Saturday night. Nora is doing some makeup work for some of the performers. I guarantee you this is going to be a good time:

I am going to be at the Cubs game in Milwaukee, but if I make it back to Chicago in time I'm going to swing by the Viaduct to check out our daughter's handiwork.

Springfield, Illinois

2009-05-07T23:44:00.002-05:00

May 7, 2009

I lost the nest egg

2009-05-05T22:34:00.001-05:00

Say it! Say it! Say "I lost the nest-egg." Go on, say it!
-Albert Brooks as David Howard, Lost in America

I wouldn't exactly say the nest-egg is gone, and we definitely didn't lose it. Here's what happened.

About 4 months ago, when interest rates dropped dramatically, we tried to refinance our mortgage. Our credit is good (710+) and we had about $75,000 in equity in our home (we thought). The appraisal came back about $30,000 less than when we last refinanced about two years ago, and that put us just outside the 20% equity needed to to refinance at the rate we wanted. We decided it wasn't worth pursuing at that point.

Fast forward to now. The rates dropped again, and we qualified for a new refinance program (what my brother the mortgage guy refers to as "Obama loans") that would get us a 4.875 % for a 30 year fixed loan. We had to get a new appraisal.

According to the new appraisal, our house is worth $45,000 less than it was 4 short months ago. We now have, according to this appraisal, zero equity in our home after living here for 19 years.

Never in the last 20 years have I been so grateful to have a secure government job with a solvent pension fund. We still qualify for the refinance, and that will save us about $200 a month. Other than the anxiety-inducing knowledge that what we had viewed as a nest-egg (about $75,000 in equity) has vanished, it won't create any real impact on our day to day lives for the moment. It does mean, though, that there will be no early retirement. Moving back south any time in the next 5 years is a dead idea now. There will be no more trips to Kentucky to look at farm properties. The compound in all its sprawling, fortified, rural glory will remain a pipe dream for probably another decade. I'm sure that the value of our house will come back, and things will work out.

We explained the situation to our daughters: if MizBubs and I did not have reliable jobs, we would now essentially be one paycheck away from being dead broke. If we needed to relocate, we would walk away from the sale of our home with whatever we had in our checking account and would no longer be able to own a home. Our girls have learned a valuable lesson about the vagaries of our economic system, and I don't think they'll be taking much for granted now.

I am going to bed now to count my blessings.

Work is for suckers

2009-05-04T11:36:00.003-05:00

That's what popped into my head today. I love having a day off on Monday when the rest of the working world returns to the grind.

Here's my plan for today: have lunch with the lovely and talented MizBubs, who is slaving away at the library, then head down to Fantasy Costumes to pick up some zombie makeup for our eldest. And then just generally drive around and enjoy this glorious day.

And now, a quick glimpse of Monday morning at the Compound:

See you later, alligators...

London Calling

2009-05-03T23:24:00.001-05:00

I just found this. It's video of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band covering "London Calling" at a recent show at the Philadelphia Spectrum. It's pretty cool:

The return of the Sunday Afternoon Cocktail

2009-05-03T19:18:00.003-05:00

Wow, what a weekend. It's the first time in months that all four of us have been home at the same time on a weekend. We cleaned out the basement and garage in preparation for a big-ass garage sale in two weeks: a telescope, lots of books, electronics, and all the flotsam and jetsam of our cluttered lives will all be up for grabs.

I'm sitting here typing this in a quiet moment while I wait for dinner to cook. The farmer's market is still a few weeks away. We've got broccoli tossed with panko, basil and Romano cheese roasting in the oven. There are potatoes in there too, roasting away. Costco had a sale on these little steaks wrapped in bacon, and those will go in last. Our youngest is sitting in the ornamental crab apple tree outside the front window, singing. MizBubs is icing her elbow and enjoying the first Sunday Afternoon Cocktail of the season: the Sazerac.

Pour a few drops of absinthe (or Absente, or Herbsaint) into a rocks glass, and swirl to coat
Mix 2 oz rye whiskey (or bourbon in a pinch), 1/2 oz of bar syrup, and 3 drops of Peychaud's Bitters
Pour into the glass, and rub the rim of the glass with a lemon peel
Drink and enjoy

I did a short self-defense class for a group of 13 year old girl scouts earlier this afternoon, and that was fun. It's a great feeling to teach a few simple things to a young woman and see her confidence grow a little.

There was some type of police standoff a couple blocks behind our house involving a suicidal subject on the roof of his house. It's strange seeing cops from other towns blocking intersections in your neighborhood. I'm assuming it worked out ok, since they were all gone when I returned home at 6pm.

There's lots on the agenda this week folks. Hope y'all had a great weekend.

Emjony the meal

2009-05-02T18:04:00.003-05:00

Our youngest was going to have this as a snack, but decided not to after discovering it should have been kept in the freezer, not in the pantry. So now she's going to "emjony" some pizza instead.

Happy May 1st

2009-05-01T07:53:00.002-05:00

Birthday of the Illuminati.

Boobies

2009-04-30T23:41:00.000-05:00

Blue-Footed Boobies, to be precise.

Image courtesy of FFFFound!

Is Iowa trying to be the new Wisconsin?

2009-04-30T07:38:00.001-05:00

That's the question I ask myself after reading this story:

Pacemaker attack stuns townspeople

The Delaware County Sheriff's Office said the younger Fierstine hit his father with a flashlight and a piece of firewood late Saturday night, then attacked him with a pocket knife.

He cut a 6-inch gash in the older man's chest and removed the pacemaker, leaving an opening 3/4-of-an-inch wide, according to search warrants.

When Delaware County sheriff's deputies arrived, wires were protruding from Charles Fierstine's chest.

Alcohol was involved.

It's Weenie Waver Wednesday!

2009-04-29T07:31:00.001-05:00

It's been a while, hasn't it? Let's get to it:

Garrett Scheg was arrested after leading police on a brief chase in his porno'd-out van. West Seneca, NY police checked out a suspicious vehicle and found Mr. Scheg in the back seat of his van, wearing only one sock, with "pornographic photos spread across the front seat and dashboard." Scheg took off, chased by police, and was eventually captured hiding on top of an abandoned travel trailer. The report does not indicate on which appendage Scheg was wearing his sock. And it appears Scheg might be a serial offender:

“There had been a prior report of a person matching his description with this kind of behavior,” (Lt. Patrick) Shea said. “We’re pretty sure it’s the same guy.”

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To the Lumberyard

Meet Sara Ann Fazio, entertainer and proud Iowan. When Ms. Fazio was arrested for drunk driving she was uncooperative, and told her passenger to "call the police". Once she arrived at the Des Moines Police Department she decided to take off all her clothes. Her place of employment is listed on the report as The Lumberyard, a local strip club.

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Drunk and naked is no way to be found in a Tokyo park if you're Japanese pop star Tsuyoshi Kusanagi. When police arrived to investigate a noise complaint they found Kusanagi "alone and shrieking at the top of his voice". He reportedly asked investigating officers "what's wrong with being naked?"

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Why Florida will always be a good source of stories

MSNBC gets credit for the best headline of the week:

Sex Doll Threesome Man Gets Off

George Bartusek was featured on this blog in February, after he was observed getting busy with two blowup dolls in his parked car. He was parked in front of the Publix supermarket at the time.

Mr. Bartusek was recently sentenced, and he avoided jail time. He got 6 months probation, and he'll have to do all his future shopping at Kroger or Winn Dixie--he's been banned from Publix. Yes, you heard that right--if you want to get naked in a parking lot full of people and f*ck a couple of blowup dolls in your car, in full view of the public, and you don't want to get locked up, Florida is the place to be.

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Meet Paul William Kizer of Halsey, Oregon. Mr. Kizer failed to learn one of life's most basic lessons--getting naked and driving, and then screaming at the police, is one of the surest ways in the world to get yourself tasered. Kizer also had an outstanding warrant for an earlier DUI. Word of advice to aspiring traffic arrestees: if you're going to get naked and scream at the police, leave your bag o' weed at home.

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Next up is the hilariously named Johnathan Fredrick Felch, 23, of San Luis Obispo. Mr. Felch will now forevermore be known as "The Naked Wizard" following his unfortunate encounter with police at the recent Coachella Festival. Mr. Felch, apparently intoxicated, decided to discard his wizard garb and put his micropenis on display for the whole world to see. After refusing repeated requests by the police to put his clothes back on, and then repeated refusal to be handcuffed, Mr. Felch got tasered.

Here's a link to the uncensored video: Naked Wizard Tased by Reality. It is definitely NSFW, which is why I don't have it embedded here. I am fascinated by the wildly differing views of the incident in the comments following the video.

And, finally, this public service announcement, courtesy of the Gaston Gazette:

Don't have sex in the Walmart parking lot in Gastonia, North Carolina. Just don't.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

2009-04-28T17:35:00.001-05:00

''You shouldn't have to hide your keys from your wife."

Polk County Florida Sheriff Grady Judd, commenting on the arrest of Gail Buckner, wife of Deputy Charles "Chip" Buckner.

Gail Buckner, pictured along with her mother Sharon Cooper and a man identified as Alexander Quintasket, took "Chip's" squad car while he was asleep and went on a joyride with it. There was "at least" a shotgun in the car when it was taken.

According to the article in The Ledger,

Gail Buckner has a criminal record that dates to before her marriage to Chip Buckner.
Judd said sheriff's policy is for deputies not to cavort with convicted felons. 'But the lawyers say we can't stop them from marrying one,' he said.
The Sheriff's Office was unaware of the connection until Sunday, Judd said.
'We can't do a background check on everyone who dates a deputy.'

Deputy Charles "Chip" Buckner has since resigned. According to this article from Tampa Bay Online, there were a total of three firearms in the squad car, and Quintasket, in addition to being a convicted felon himself, was out on bail awaiting trial for armed robbery at the time of this incident. Buckner and Quintasket were both charged with possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, among other charges. According to this piece from MSNBC, Quintasket "found it exciting" when the lights and siren were activated as he sat in the back seat. The errant squad car hit speeds in excess of 80 mph.

Gail Buckner told arresting officers that "she made a bad judgment call and meant no harm."

Don't think I've forgotten about the alligators. I haven't

2009-04-28T09:23:00.003-05:00

This video leaves many unanswered questions. I'm pretty sure this is Florida.

In any event, it's clear that the subject of this video is unfamiliar with the concept of constant vigilance.

Hardboiled or spicy?

2009-04-27T08:09:00.001-05:00

After an entire week away from the office it's time to get back. The ILEETA conference is a welcome break every spring--I always go back re-charged and reinvigorated.

So...I wonder: what will this week's detective stories be?

Or

I'm good with it either way.